Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

herekittykittykittykitty

– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

May never get over this

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”