Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.