Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

HELP 😭

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.

The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.

How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:

Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

The old gods are rising again.

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

seriously you guys

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt