Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain