Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.