Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

If you’re happy and you know it…

Watch the news.

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live