Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
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Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry