Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

🎉🥳