Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
You Might Also Like
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
If snakes were wide
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?