Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL