Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Money is the root of all wealth
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
me refusing to leave twitter
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
no refunds
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.