Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
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Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.