Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.