Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t talk down to me

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.

he’s doing your taxes

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

work smarter, not harder

A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.