Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

“i’m in your city”

uhhh have fun??

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.