Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.