age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
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My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years