Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
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[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.