Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?

what it’s like dating me:

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

No flush

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

me as a parent

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.