Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

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If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.


*brings a super-magnet to a knife fight*

*discovers that stainless steel is not magnetic*


*gets hit by a car*

Driver: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens twitter*



Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots


My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.


Someone cut my 6-year-old’s hair

She says she didn’t do it

Be on the lookout for a mysterious hair-cutting bandit who looks just like her


That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”


Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it


*Boss approaches desk*

“What the fu..”

Me, wearing paper clip necklace – “See? I knew you’d be mad so I made you one too”


I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
“Nope. Green.”