If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
You Might Also Like
*brings a super-magnet to a knife fight*
*discovers that stainless steel is not magnetic*
*gets hit by a car*
Driver: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
Me: “LMAOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Someone cut my 6-year-old’s hair
She says she didn’t do it
Be on the lookout for a mysterious hair-cutting bandit who looks just like her
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
*Boss approaches desk*
“What the fu..”
Me, wearing paper clip necklace – “See? I knew you’d be mad so I made you one too”
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”