Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
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How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I have obtained a hat
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex