Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
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[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Pretty much! 😂👀
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.