Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
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I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too