Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
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Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim