Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
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Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?