Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
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boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying