Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

me: [tries to write “perfect”]

my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

the best thing i’ve ever made

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.

A friend sent me this.

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.