Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Later…

“All I want for Christmas is you.”

EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

the three branches of government

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.