Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

[on the way home]

Me: I have some tea to share with you

13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?

Me: no, tea as in like gossip

13: what, what brand is that?

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?