Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

how to have fun when you’re poor

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.