Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Europe. Made in Germany.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Well well well…
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
