Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
