Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
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I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
it’s the silliest best thing
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are