Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
You Might Also Like
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Grew big
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
you will never know the true number of layers
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground