Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.