Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

“How much for this toaster?”

“An arm & a leg.”

“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”

“A leg & 3 fingers.”

“Deal!”

– Cannibal Pawn Stars

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto