age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
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When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …