“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
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Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.