Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
You Might Also Like
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
My zodiac sign is pistachio
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Many hands make light work
city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
