Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
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When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
The best shot in the history of golf
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.