Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
You Might Also Like
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.