Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.