Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

Not recommended for beginners.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.