“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
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“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Bike for sale
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
こいつ天才
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
We don’t deserve birds.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence