Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
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If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
My mom texting me from an anime convention
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.