Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome

Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

My dad is at it again

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

superman landing like a plane on his belly

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!