“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
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Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
