Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
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[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I think I’ll stand
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.