Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

They’re stuck in your pants?

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

Google assistant rules

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

Interior designer.

I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

“This Tweet has been deleted.”

A thread 🧵

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now