Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
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I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
waiting for halloween be like:
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long