Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

Taco Bell, Exit 22

Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

😂😂

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

Me trying to walk in a dream

Fixed this for Shakespeare

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.