Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!