Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
You Might Also Like
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Just why bro?!
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.