Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
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I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go