Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
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Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
#oldknees
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?