Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
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13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break