Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
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“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.