Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
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People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.