Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
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[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
every olympics i turn into this guy