@OzKamal

“Age is just a number “

Yeah and prison is just a room

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@RCKruseKontrol

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

@DillDoes

*secret agent slaps me*
I’ll never give you answers
*he grabs my throat*
“WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA”
*spits*
I’d rather die

@MableGertrude

I’m not saying you’re on twitter too much, but your six-year-old is running an arms trade with the Mexican drug cartel out of his tree fort.

@TheCatWhisprer

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

@Overdue_Bills

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

@ShortSleeveSuit

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

@Jake_Vig

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

@noogscorner

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”