… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
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My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
My therapist after every session
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
This is me
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Why I divorced her.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.