Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

Okay this one takes it home

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*

NINE MONTHS LATER

*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes

in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days

i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.