“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
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Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened