Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
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All these self driving vehicles..It’s only a matter of time that we hear a country song about his truck leaving him
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.