Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
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GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.