Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
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MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.