Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
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It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*