Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!