Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.

Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die

Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.

Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”