Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

“How’s your day going?”

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.